this post is entirely happeneing because of miss Vanessa.
i live in seattle, i hate and love it.
my love of my heart and dreams is gone.
i am in love with a ghost i can say now, really.
living day to day, whole foods. i almost get fired about once a month and i think its just to make something happen in my life, to make something interesting, cause im living this, and its good, and im working towards some kinda of things, making things better, im not even quite sure what, but it seems so dull.
i was married, almost married, my heart is still married.
another world away.
its silly, i laugh and cry.
i think about people, i want to be with people, but i love solitude.
this is the first time i have lived utterly alone by myself and the kittens, not in a communal house, not sharing an apartment with seperate rooms, just me and the kittens, and its amazing.
Thorn, my new kitten. shes a little black witch baby who follows me around all over and will get under my feet as soon as i am standing still for 3 seconds and if i sit for a minute shes in my face trying to eat my nose ring, bite my lips, lick my eyes, eat my earings...or just sit right on my neck or my face when im trying to read. no food is safe around her. i think she is Duckies old spirit, in this new kitten.
echo is mature, he sleeps at my feet and will come over for a good rubdown once in a while, he understands me and whenim cry and holding him close he wont run away all fast but just wait till ive calmed myself as not to desert me.
i have been trying to make myself healthier. i lost a lot a lot of weight before i moved into my apartment and soon after lyndsy left. when istarted work i had all this bakery food around at my disposal and for 2 months its been the only thing i have been eating and now im at my limit. ive gained weight and feel disgusting, i sleep too late for my liking(10, its unheard of) and feel gross. i havent had any cigarettes for days.
i smoked a fat joint last night with my coworker stacey and our shift supervisor(coworker)Rachel. It was really nice. when i get some more pot i will smoke them out.
tomorrow i am going to pick some Salal berries in the woods cause they are delicious and crunchy and taste kinda like blueberries and im going to make fruit leathers.
tomorrow im fasting again.
yesterday i ate nothing at my work. i bought Kombucha and nuts and dried cherries and blueberries and bananas and made trailmix and it was delicious. i felt good. i need to stretch now. and do more. and i will start to ride my bike again. because i want the morning shift back.
i miss my comforts...
i miss you friends, the ones i still have... the ones ive lost...
and i am trying to embrace everything to come...